One fine Tuesday, Dave decided it was time to get serious about his fitness. He bought a pair of high-performance compression pants because the internet swore they’d make him run faster, lift heavier, and possibly solve world hunger.
But when Dave put them on, he gasped.
His reflection stared back—a man who looked like he’d been shrink-wrapped by a very enthusiastic vacuum. His legs? Sausages. His rear end? Two overly enthusiastic grapefruits fighting for dominance.
Undeterred, Dave strutted into the gym.
Receptionist: “Sir, this is a family establishment.” Dave: “These are athletic wear!” Receptionist: “Sir, your pants just winked at me.”
At the treadmill, a grandma squinted at him. “Sonny, are those pants or did you forget to take off your long johns?”
Dave powered through, but then—disaster. While doing squats, the compression worked too well. The seams let out a sound like a dying balloon animal. The entire weight section turned. Someone whispered, “I think his pants just screamed for help.”
Defeated, Dave waddled to the locker room, his dignity trailing behind him like a sad parade float. He peeled off the compression pants, which actually hissed as they released their grip on his soul.
Moral of the story Compression pants might make you faster, but they’ll also make strangers question your life choices. Wear them with pride… or at least with very long shorts.